Controlling the Chaos...

I have an issue with messes. I can't stand them. But that doesn't stop my life from spiraling into unending messiness.

My car is a disaster. I can't walk through my bedroom without stepping on clothes or shoes. No matter how many times I put away Aaron's saline solution, contacts case, deodorant, or pomade in the cabinet, they always end up back on the counter. There's a stack of important papers on top of the filing cabinet from the past 4 months that haven't been put away yet. We won't even discuss my obsession with keeping the kitchen clean.

In addition to my messes at home, I'm the nanny of a 15-month old child who feeds himself...and makes a really big mess every time. Liz has no problem letting Toby feed himself foods like spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, and oatmeal. I, on the other hand, usually stick to "cleaner" foods such as pancakes (with no syrup!), cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken, fruit, or left-over pizza. I know he's gotta learn to feed himself sometime...and I'd be a bad nanny if I let my issue with messes trump his need (and desire) to feed himself horribly messy foods. *Sigh*

I think my issue with messiness really has to do with another (larger) issue in my life: the need to be in complete control at all times. Annoying, I know. But at least I admit it.

I'm positive that my desire to always be in control annoys my husband more than anyone in the entire world. Aaron and I came across the revelation that I crave control when we were going through premarital counseling with Larry Brey.

My obsession with perfection in school, cleanliness, punctuality, and always keeping busy come from my desire to not be a disappointment to myself or others. I've always pushed myself so hard because I wanted everyone to be proud of me. It made me feel good inside to think of my accomplishments and know that they were a product of my hard work.

But this mentality causes HUGE problems. When I base my self-worth on what I can do instead of what God can do through me, I become someone I (and my husband) don't like. Nothing I do in my life is a result of my hard work; it's all a blessing from the Lord. Period.

So - all that to say this: I'm going to try to let go a little. It's okay if the apartment is messy once in a while. I'll make a conscious effort to not get upset with Aaron if he doesn't do something the second I ask him to do it. I'll survive if I must sit still for longer than 5 minutes without doing something or going somewhere. I'll even try to let Toby feed himself oatmeal. And then I'll change his clothes.